Statement from the PM of Ethiopia
I believe people are not giving our Prosperity Party (PP) the credit it deserves. People now have the right to kill and abduct their fellow Ethiopians with impunity. This used to be prerogative of our neighbors, you know who I am talking about. We are offering such “premium freedom” to some selected pilot areas and we will increase the coverage of such lawlessness to the whole country in phases. We have made a good progress in this regard in the past two years, and we have started a war in Tigray to get the coverage to 100%.
Seriously, isn’t ብልጽግና(PP) way cooler than EPRDF when you say the word? It is sweet in your tongue and dulcet to your ear, which is the only true metric of how cool parties are if you ask me. Of course, PP is preaching unity. Isn’t that great? Who needs diversity when we can achieve unity? We expect you to speak only one language to realize unity. Since we are abolishing “biher”, we want you to change your name from, say Tolosa to Afrash. That way, people won’t be able to tell your real identity; which would make it hard for them to be racist towards you.
Ahh, one last note, since people may still be able to tell which part of the country you are from based on your accent, we want you to not have a voice. Keep quiet and let us do the the talking. After all, we know what you think and want. That is why we get rid of the election. Trust me, you would have elected us, so why waste millions of dollars? We are saving the tax payer’s money. I was awarded a Nobel Peace prize in 2019 because they knew I will come up with such outlandish ideas.
- Yours truly, General Haffaz Aladeen (aka Abi Ahmed Ali).